Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

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Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Rating: 5.0 |

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A: A dependent Claus.

Rating: 5.0 |

What do gnomes fear most about Christmas?
They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

Rating: 5.0 |

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin
tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of
his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and
catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's
immediate needs.

The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of
his time.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life,

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the
bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would
control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you
will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this
all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When
the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your
company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you
would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Rating: 5.0 |

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops
down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big
guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and
he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the
vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Rating: 5.0 |

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